Would I were a Man:

 A few days ago, I was walking my normal route to the main street by my apartment to catch a cab. The route takes me in front of a small hospital and through its back parking lot. On this route I usually pass a security guard, a couple nurses, and a few patients. Additionally I pass by a part of the hospital under construction where I inevitably hear  “pssst!”  and that universal cat-call whistle.  I focus, eyes straight ahead, and I keep walking.

On this particular day, as I rounded the front of the building, my stomach took a little turn. In my path was a group of 4 men circled around, talking. One was one of the security guards and the others were construction workers. But for all I care they could have been 16 year-old boys; I did not want to have to walk through them. But I had no real choice. Eyes glued to the ground, I felt myself tense up, trying to disappear into myself. If they were looking at me, I didn’t want to know, and I tried not to listen to anything they were saying in case it was meant for me.

I passed them and, of course, nothing happened. But it got me to thinking; if I were a guy, I wouldn’t have thought twice in that situation. I might even have looked those men in the eyes and given them a hearty “Buenas,” the customary greeting here.

Another incident last night added to my frustration. There was an event in the park by my apartment. I walk there most every morning and run around the park. It’s only about half a mile away along a busy street, so it’s perfectly safe during the day. I was supposed to go with one friend, then a group, but nothing worked out. But I’m in Panama! And I’ll be damned if I spend the whole time locked away in my ivory (more yellow) tower! So I went, alone, after sunset.

No problems at the park. I sat along on a blanket I had brought and I listened to the baritone and soprano duets while gazing at the stars. While sitting there I happened to glance over and caught a guy looking at me. I didn’t think much of it, just that we had happened to be looking at the same place at the same time. He was young and also sitting by himself.

I decided to head home before it got too late, so I packed up my stuff and started walking out of the park about halfway through the performance. I would normally never be at the park after dark, but on account of the concert, there were police and families everywhere. Several hundred meters away from the stage, I heard a soft “Disculpame” I turned, and my stomach did another one of those turns. The guy was right behind me. The rundown of our brief conversation was that he wanted my email and I told him no, I had a boyfriend.  I walked faster, caught up with other pedestrians and made sure he wasn’t following me. Walking back to my apartment I continued to be plagued by the idea that maybe he was following, to the backdrop of horns and “pssst!” coming out the window of passing cars.

Family friends have told me never to go out alone and to invest in some mace. Yes, I agree that it is always safer in pairs, and that self-defense is key.

But I hate it. I hate that in this day in age I am still so hindered by my identity as a woman. Problem is, I didn’t come as part of a pair, and my friends have their own jobs and lives to lead. I want to take advantage of this beautiful country, but I am restricted a great deal to exploration within the city during the hours of daylight. Even then, as I have mentioned, I still feel like a walking side-show.

How would this be different if I were a man? Here are just a few ideas:

I would walk past other men without worrying what they might say, or worse, do.

I could look people in the eyes rather than stare at the ground to make sure I avoid any possible unwanted stares.

I would walk down the street without being hissed at. That piercing sound that carries farther than you can get away from, no matter how fast you walk.

I would go out at night by myself without worrying about losing something worse than my wallet if accosted

I would go couch-surfing

I would plan a camping trip without thinking about what time of the month it lands on

I wouldn’t wish that I had someone of the opposite sex to walk with me on every-day outings

I wouldn’t think twice about taking a taxi in a foreign city

I wouldn’t worry about catching diseases from public bathrooms

I wouldn’t worry about sitting next to a man on a bus

Ladies, I know you probably have additions to make to this list, let me hear them. Men, I would love your perspective on this.