A few days ago, I was walking my normal route to the main
street by my apartment to catch a cab. The route takes me in front of a small
hospital and through its back parking lot. On this route I usually pass a
security guard, a couple nurses, and a few patients. Additionally I pass by a
part of the hospital under construction where I inevitably hear “pssst!” and that universal cat-call whistle. I focus, eyes straight ahead, and I
keep walking.
On this particular day, as I rounded the front of the
building, my stomach took a little turn. In my path was a group of 4 men
circled around, talking. One was one of the security guards and the others were
construction workers. But for all I care they could have been 16 year-old boys;
I did not want to have to walk through them. But I had no real choice. Eyes
glued to the ground, I felt myself tense up, trying to disappear into myself.
If they were looking at me, I didn’t want to know, and I tried not to listen to
anything they were saying in case it was meant for me.
I passed them and, of course, nothing happened. But it got
me to thinking; if I were a guy, I wouldn’t have thought twice in that
situation. I might even have looked those men in the eyes and given them a
hearty “Buenas,” the customary greeting here.
Another incident last night added to my frustration. There
was an event in the park by my apartment. I walk there most every morning and
run around the park. It’s only about half a mile away along a busy street, so
it’s perfectly safe during the day. I was supposed to go with one friend, then
a group, but nothing worked out. But I’m in Panama! And I’ll be damned if I
spend the whole time locked away in my ivory (more yellow) tower! So I went,
alone, after sunset.
No problems at the park. I sat along on a blanket I had
brought and I listened to the baritone and soprano duets while gazing at the
stars. While sitting there I happened to glance over and caught a guy looking
at me. I didn’t think much of it, just that we had happened to be looking at
the same place at the same time. He was young and also sitting by himself.
I decided to head home before it got too late, so I packed
up my stuff and started walking out of the park about halfway through the
performance. I would normally never be at the park after dark, but on account
of the concert, there were police and families everywhere. Several hundred
meters away from the stage, I heard a soft “Disculpame” I turned, and my
stomach did another one of those turns. The guy was right behind me. The
rundown of our brief conversation was that he wanted my email and I told him
no, I had a boyfriend. I walked
faster, caught up with other pedestrians and made sure he wasn’t following me.
Walking back to my apartment I continued to be plagued by the idea that maybe
he was following, to the backdrop of horns and “pssst!” coming out the window
of passing cars.
Family friends have told me never to go out alone and to
invest in some mace. Yes, I agree that it is always safer in pairs, and that
self-defense is key.
But I hate it. I hate that in this day in age I am still so
hindered by my identity as a woman. Problem is, I didn’t come as part of a
pair, and my friends have their own jobs and lives to lead. I want to take
advantage of this beautiful country, but I am restricted a great deal to
exploration within the city during the hours of daylight. Even then, as I have
mentioned, I still feel like a walking side-show.
How would this be different if I were a man? Here are just a
few ideas:
I would walk past other men without worrying what they might
say, or worse, do.
I could look people in the eyes rather than stare at the
ground to make sure I avoid any possible unwanted stares.
I would walk down the street without being hissed at. That
piercing sound that carries farther than you can get away from, no matter how
fast you walk.
I would go out at night by myself without worrying about
losing something worse than my wallet if accosted
I would go couch-surfing
I would plan a camping trip without thinking about what time
of the month it lands on
I wouldn’t wish that I had someone of the opposite sex to
walk with me on every-day outings
I wouldn’t think twice about taking a taxi in a foreign city
I wouldn’t worry about catching diseases from public
bathrooms
I wouldn’t worry about sitting next to a man on a bus
Ladies, I know you probably have additions to make to this
list, let me hear them. Men, I would love your perspective on this.
